During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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