Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
