My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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