Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
