god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
