Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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