we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
