What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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