I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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