After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
