God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
