OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
