I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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