he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
