oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
