Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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