I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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