So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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