I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
