its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
