Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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