You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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