i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Come on in and take your pants off
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