The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
