he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
