yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
