Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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