twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
