Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
