and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
