Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do vagina's smell?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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