Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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