Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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