We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
