TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
