I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
