How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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