And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's never too late to be topless.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
