I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
