the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
