I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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