Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
