I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?