My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
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Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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