just survived the first fart of the relationship.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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