Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
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Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.