That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
