Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
