I wish I could punch you in the face.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
