so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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