I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
