he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
