he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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