five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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