so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
