he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
