hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
