i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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