I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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